finding words.

It's been a month since I've actually posted anything, and I have to apologize for that. I know most of you probably don't care but I made a deal with myself a year ago that in making this blog, I'd be consistent about sharing what God is teaching me--whether or not it's pretty, perfect, and curated enough for my own taste. 

And it's not that God hasn't been teaching me anything. November in itself has actually been one of those months where I'm digging so deeply into the contents of my own heart, fleshing out a lot of my own story with the Lord, that every thought I've written down automatically feels too self-centered or inapplicable for other people.

As a writer, a lot of times, I have to decide if what I'm writing is necessary for other people to read or just necessary for my heart to release. What I write is a huge reflection of what I'm feeling, and those thoughts often don't make it on here. In that respect, finding words to publish is like searching for gold: hard and time-consuming, but worth it in the end.

Here's what I will say about this season: this semester is coming to an end (thank goodness), and it's been a really weird and heavy semester. I have come to terms with one thing: Refinement is necessary, and this was a semester of refinement. God has been using this time to bring me to the end of myself so that I can do nothing but come to Him in desperation and find total peace. This summer at camp He showed me how peaceful my life could be if I centered my whole day around Him, and this semester was my chance to live it out in the "real world."

Full honesty, it was harder than I wanted it to be. Not finding peace in Him--that always comes. The hard part was lifting myself from the dumb stupor of distraction and entering the peace that comes with knowing Him deeply.

Distraction comes in so many forms. My phone, social media, homework, studying, sleep, socializing, cleaning, thinking about things that don't matter and will probably never happen--the list goes on. But one thing I really learned this semester is this: If Satan can't make you stray from following the Lord, he will just make you busy to serve as a distraction from following through with it.

I'm trying so hard to not force myself into busyness. I'm trying so hard to be blunt with myself about what really matters to me, what is most life-giving to me, and what God has set before me.

Going into this Advent season, I'm praying that the Lord will force me to slow down and get real with Him as often as possible. I'm praying He'll turn my need for Him into an ache that reverberates through my bones, causing me to reach for my Bible in acknowledgement of His reverence and my inability to cure myself.

Tuck your phone away for a few hours and just read through the Gospels, praying for  the Lord to bring you comfort and hope all the while. Making it a priority to read my Bible before I go to sleep has become such a necessary sigh of relief at the end of my day, and I encourage every single one of y'all to try it too. 

Let's get through this finals season STRONG, people. I'll see you on the other side!!