1:54 AM. You’re lying in bed. The ceiling has been your view for the past 2 hours and your blankets are starting to feel like your skin.

You’ve run the course with God. You’ve been here, dozens of times. This very spot: nearly 2 AM, your eyes and heart equally heavy but your brain refusing to quit. All your tabs are open. All your wishes, dreams, desires, prayers, longings, frustrations, sorrows, joys, questions, and inquiries out on the table.

These walls are confining, the walls that hold you in. There’s a series of walls we’ve got to break through in our stretch of life, and the very first one starts in our bedroom. We grow up in the sweet safety of these walls, returning home each night to sleep in the walls that keep you. Whatever troubles occurred in that day are too silly to really ponder on prior to falling asleep. A very small portion of your mind space is spent considering the actuality of your hearts’ deepest desires coming true when you still live in the safe walls of your bedroom.

Then you move away from home. Whatever this looks like for you, your mind separated your “home” from a specific place to more of an idea as you aged. It’s unfortunate but it’s inevitable, and when it does happen, returning to our childhood walls that we previously graduated from makes us revert to our childhood ways, somehow.

This short conversion is quickly met with a realization of the conversion, which is met with horror, and soon after, a propelling of thought begins. This is where the dangerous, 1:54 AM, ceiling staring contest begins. It’s where two worlds collide and we begin to really unravel inside.

When two sets of walls mean so much to you, how can you make them simultaneously important in your heart when you can’t be physically in both?

When you mature past your childhood, how can you retain some of the innocence from when you were young?

Will I ever reach the aspirations that my childhood self dreamt up in this very same room?

It’s a time of relaxation filled with pressure.

Pressure to make realistic goals and stick to them. Pressure to meet your parents’ expectations as well as your own. Pressure to not set your own standards too high prior to entering a new season– because you’ve learned, when you do this, you only end up disappointed.

​It’s this gap between two semesters where your heart is most churned. You find yourself deeply pondering on the person who you were in high school, and wondering, are you different now? Because you feel like you are. You notice the subtleties in your heart, emotions and twinges that weren’t there before. You feel more grace-filled, softer around the edges, not as squirrelly. Kinder.

Or maybe you’ve found yourself hardening. You’re growing bitter at the things you haven’t gotten to be apart of. You’re spent with emotion and a continuous feeling of trying in futility. You want so much more than what you have, but it’s not even like you can place your finger on how, exactly, to get there. There’s no step-by-step guide, there’s no rulebook, there’s no place to put your concerns in the suggestion box as a way for your heartaches to be redeemed.

Or. Maybe you’re a little bit of both. Maybe you’re filled with this genuine, deep understanding at God’s timing, yet frustrated when it’s taking too long. Maybe you’re a little more sad than happy. Maybe you’re a little more happy than sad, but you still feel the sadness there and you wish it wouldn’t linger.

To the one who feels like they have to be perfect: you don’t. From head to toe, you’re really doing just fine.

Even when you study so hard for this test and end up getting a D, you’re really doing just fine.

Even when you don’t know how to start or even carry on a conversation with a person who you really want to be friends with, you’re really doing just fine.

Even when you accidentally slip and say, “You too!” to the guy behind the counter at the movie theater who says “Enjoy the movie!” and it seems like you’ll never recover, you’re really doing just fine.

Who came up with these earthly standards to measure ourselves up to? When was it decided that we would most likely spend a great deal of our lives in insecurity because we can never achieve a level of perfection that we so desire?

Friends, there is no such image that should drive us other than the image to mirror God’s love. It says it right there: in 1 Peter 4:8. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 

For emphasis, it says it again in John 13:34-35. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

This "command" was new because it set a new standard for the disciples: love as I have loved you. To quote author John H. Sailhamer in his NIV Bible Commentary: "This is the one rule of faith that defined the disciples as a believing community. This love is the fruit of the Spirit that dwells within their souls."

Remember this: the final, redeeming, and sole standard Jesus set for His people amidst the Last Supper was this: to love. Be love for others and embody the Spirit. He doesn't ask us to reach a manmade level of perfection. He doesn't ask us to have an Instagram feed that rivals your best friends'. He doesn't ask us to be the most intelligent, the most beautiful, the most anything other than the most likely to show love in a room full of crowded people.

Immerse yourself in this truth. Know that this truth alone is what drives your faith, and don't be threatened or disheartened by the ways of the world because those ways are impure. They don't carry love--which is the only ​thing we need to carry into eternity.

Shalom, friends!

Before 2017 is too far gone, I wanted to compile a list of the 12 worship songs that impacted me most deeply for each month of the year.

I'm a huge proponent of music in general, but worship music has a special place in my heart. I find that the more I surround myself with worship music, the more worshipful my entire routine becomes. The effect it has on my heart is unexplainable--I just feel more in line with God.

So, without further ado, here are my 12 most-listened-to, most-loved, most-favorite worship songs of 2017.

January

If you don't listen Hunter GK Thompson, then you need to start right now. His song "Clouds" is probably in my Top 10 for favorite songs ever. His music is effortlessly beautiful, and it sounds like how you feel when you breathe in cold air and it tastes sweet in your mouth. I don't know, man. It just does.
Side note: "Maranatha" is a Biblical word meaning "our Lord comes." 
February

As the final song on Will Reagan's fifth (and long awaited) album, "Nothing Without You" feels like a song written in weary resolve after a long season of heartache. The song is a surrender, a white flag. Hands raised, eyes closed. Lyrically short, yet emotionally deep, the song serves as a reminder in the album's last moments: we are nothing without Him.
March​

I love this song because it tells a story of real and raw grace despite past sins. It sends the essential message that, as Christians, we don't have to come to God polished and pristine. We aren't created to be speckless robots that meaninglessly raise our hands in church and emptily pray for the poor; with Instagram feeds curated to imply a message of "having it all together." Chance's gospel-influenced jam tells the story of his daughter born out of wedlock, the constant "war with his wrongs," the fight we often face against idols, and praising Him 'til we're gone. Amen? Amen.
​April

I'm going to sing my praises for this EP and also this singer 'til I die. Lauren Alexandria is a worship artist for Forerunner Music at IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City, MO, a place that is very dear to me. Lauren's music is sweet and resounding, and has that perfectly climactic bridge that makes you want to raise your hands in worship even if you're just driving by yourself in your car (speaking from experience). I highly recommend not just this song, but the whole EP.
May​

If you were looking for one of those long, seven-minute worship songs where there's intermittent talking and prayer, you've come to the right place. This song hits you right in the heart and often speaks for emotions you didn't know you had. When Jason Upton said, "Sometimes there is no language but a groan" my heart said OW. It's so true! Give this one a listen if you need to put words to the pain you're feeling.
June

"Help me to love with open arms like You do."
"A love that erases all of the lies and sees the truth."
"That when they look in my eyes, they would see You."
"Let all my life tell of who You are, and the wonder of your never-ending love."
If these lyrics don't sell you then I don't know what will. This song is kinda like my motto, because I want people to see Him in me more than I want them to see my frail humanity in me, ya feel?
July​

Okay so when did this whole "Kings Kaleidoscope" craze begin and why wasn't I present for it? I think I found this song on Spotify's Discover Weekly feature (which is a staple in my life) and I've just been jammin' out to Kings Kaleidoscope ever since.
PRO TIP: In the last 2 minutes of this song, there's about a 40-second period of dead silence then the beat drops again. Trust me, wait for the beat drop.
​August

Straight up, Hollyn's style of worship music has opened a door to a whole other genre of worship music, I believe. In a world full of live worship that has a similar sound, Hollyn expands what is previously known about the classic "worship song" and makes it her own. I love this song in particular--because the lyrics "I'm living in awe, because You don't need me at all, but you couldn't love me more" hits you like a ton of bricks.
September

In a month filled with new, scary things in my first semester of college, this song was the most incredible refuge. It's like a breath of fresh air in the midst of absolute chaos. The lyrics are beautiful, glorifying to God, and speak so much beautiful truth into painful situations.
October

So, if you're like me, you often like the remixes of songs better than the original song. In the case of this song, it's true. My roommate played this song while we were driving around one day and I whipped out my Shazam and added it to my playlist instantly. It's a great worship song for car dancing, if you're into that kind of thing.
November

Quick plug: this is my church in Birmingham, and they're super cool! This is my favorite song off their worship album, especially because of the ending. I don't wanna spoil it for you, but it's pretty great.
​December

If you're a Christian who was alive in the month of December 2017, it's very likely you saw posts about/heard this song multiple times. I know I did. But I was never mad, because IT'S SUCH A GOOD SONG. And it surpasses the cliche "Christmas carol" style that most of us are used to. The "Christmassy" feeling is more subtle in this song and in all honesty, I will be listening to it year-round because it contains a message that I think needs to be repeated year-round.

So that's about it. My 2017 in worship songs. Sorry about all the scrolling you just did (if you even made it here). I hope these songs breathe life into your 2018. 

Also, if you haven't looked already, I keep a long, ongoing selection of worship music in the "Music" section of this website. I'm not sure if it works on mobile devices, but I know you can see it on desktop, at least.

Okay, sorry for babbling. Go have a great day, y'all.

Hello friends!!

First off, I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the encouragement y’all sent out last week when I posted my first blog. My heart is so warm & fuzzy from every single message that I got. Thank you thank you thank you, this dream of mine to let other people hear the Gospel is finally coming true!!!

I’m so glad I’m not the one running this blog! It’s Jesus! And if it weren’t Him, it wouldn’t be getting done.

So this next lil’ thing was something I wrote a month ago. I struggled with figuring out my weakness is being alone this semester (which, loneliness is something I dealt with a lot these last few months. More on that later), and of course, God put me in this place of being alone for 2 days straight at the very end of the semester.

So, there’s some context. This was written at a breakfast table in Samford’s dining hall, heck ya. Enjoy.

******
​
It’s kinda funny, the way things come full circle.
At the very end, it comes down to me, snagging a booth right after my very last exam.
It comes down to a large helping of eggs, a plate of breakfast, one coffee, two sugars.
A wobbly table that I have to prop up with my knee, moving when I cut my hash browns.
It’s a moment where I find myself in true vulnerability.
See, the Lord has taught me so much this semester—about Him and the way He loves. About myself and the way I function as a person.
He sees me in the light where I am most myself and most real, and He leads me to a table alone at the end of the road.
See, I didn’t know this until recently, but I can’t stand being alone.
I didn’t know that my need for acceptance was as deeply rooted as this. The need for image to be verified through others’ idea of me as a social butterfly.
So He knows this. He sees this in every aspect of who I am. That girl who’s afraid to show herself in the caf, eating breakfast by herself at a wobbly table.
And just as He sees me, He sees you.

He knows you in your most raw and real moments: how you handle disaster, who you turn to when you’re hurting, and what your heart whispers to your head in the late hours of the night as you lay in bed.

He knows the joy and excitement that gets your stomach fluttering, yet He also knows you’ve faced the deepest depths of sorrow, the most challenging forms of frustration, and the pits of grief.

He’s seen us in every scenario we’ve ever lived. There’s not a single thing we can hide from Him– hiding in itself is a foreign concept. It’s not something He knows. It’s an uncharted territory, because He’s our Father and He knows us so intimately that He knows how to catch us where and when we most need Him.

So, really, it’s not all that funny the way things come full circle. He means for them to. He knows that’s what we need in order to see His brushstrokes in the canvas we’ve been frustratedly working on for months.

When I find myself in those vulnerable places, I see it as a character-building exercise from God. He wants me to develop skills in certain places so that later in life, when He needs me to serve the kingdom, I will be refined.

Without His guidance and consistent refinement, I would be dull. None of the skills I need to better serve at His feet would be usable. With His training and love, I can use what skills He’s gifted me with to glorify Him.

Friends, when you find yourself in that place of vulnerability, don’t fold within yourself. That’s usually what I do.

I retreat. I scamper away, afraid of awkward silence and uncomfortability and I seek shelter. Because, oh, wouldn’t it be the worst thing in the world for my own comfort to be seized?

Instead, we need to start asking Him what it is He’s trying to teach us. He’s not laughing at our discomfort. He’s a friend of yours. When you sit down with Him, tears streaming down your face, questioning why something so uncomfortable and painful had to happen to you, He’s not giddy. He’s not taking pride in your sorrow. He’s crying with you. He’s nodding His head and hugging you and softly saying, “I know. I know. But just wait, okay? I promise. I promise you it’s gonna get better.”

Resilience is built in vulnerability. Resilience is strengthened when your limits are tested. It’s not something that comes easily or effortlessly... it takes time.

And y’all, I’m still in the middle of it all. Sitting at that wobbly breakfast table alone in the caf wasn’t a walk in the park. Forcing myself to take alone time out of my busy days is never easy for me–but I’m learning it’s necessary. It’s where He speaks to me... because it’s where I’m most vulnerable. It’s where I’m most present with Him and tuned to hearing what He has to say to me.

Whatever your biggest fear is, don’t be afraid to conquer it. Don’t let the lies of Satan work their way into your heart. Take on whatever it is that scares you, knowing that’s where He’s going to build you so that you can glorify the kingdom even more than you already are!!

How cool is that? I love the Father we serve.

Hi, and welcome to my blog. This lil' thing here is something that's been on my heart since I was a sophomore in high school, when I recognized that God's call upon my life was to be a writer. I didn't know in what way, shape, or form that was---but I knew it was His mission for me.

I shoved it out of my brain for 3 years. I did my best to forget that I should be writing for Him, but it kept reappearing somehow.

I've loved writing since I was a child. Literally as a kindergartener I asked my mom if I could write stories on pieces of paper and staple them together, illustrate the pages and everything, and gift them to my neighbors.

She said no, sadly.

But if that doesn't show you how greatly writing has been a piece of my life from such a young age, then I don't know what does. I've always written--stories, articles, essays, poems, songs, scripts. And when I wasn't writing, I was editing--my friends' essays, my own essays, the yearbook-- you name it, I was probably reading, writing or editing it.

Somewhere in high school, I lost that fire and drive to write that I'd known as a child. It was probably a combination of being burnt out from having to write so much for school, yearbook, and also having no time.

But in my senior year, I had a revelation that it was His kingdom I was to be glorifying with the skills He's been refining in me since I was a child. With a pen in hand, I sat down at my most vulnerable place and simply began to write.

Now, I'm a freshman in college and I will sometimes legitimately stop in the middle of what I'm doing to write down what I'm inspired by. This is a side of myself I haven't met yet, and wow, I love it. My mind's clearer than I can ever remember it being, all because I've stopped in the middle of life's chaos to simply write.

Recently, I talked to an adult who's been mentoring me since I started college. She's in the writing ministry, which is where I hope to make my living one day. She gave me some advice, and told me that if I hoped to stake my claim in the writing world one day, I need to start putting myself out there more frequently. 

"You can't be a published writer who never actively practices writing for a crowd," she told me.

Ugh. As much as I wish it wasn't true, it totally is.

And it's not that I don't want to have a blog---honestly, I believe the process of blogging is going to be the best. Writing my thoughts down? Spreading the Gospel through my words? Hopefully impacting others? My dream.

But, honestly? My flesh's biggest fear is that these words of mine won't get read. That I'll pour my heart out and no one will appreciate it.

But one thing I've been learning in these past few months is that the fanfare of others should never be our reason for doing something. So here I am, putting my words out, knowing that everyone could read this blog... also, no one could.

And that's okay. I can't live to please people, I have to live to please Him. And hopefully I'll continue to learn that as I write more.

When choosing a name for this blog, I was reading through the book of John and stumbled across these verses: John 3:19-21. "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God."

Reflecting on these verses, I gleaned one simple interpretation from it. Light is honesty. It's raw, it's revealing, it's exposing. But His light is our truth. It will not let us hide, it is founded in full vulnerability. This seems scary... but it's where He does the greatest things. It's where our souls seek Him and become tuned to hear nothing but His truth, His goodness, His love.

So this is my truth: His truth is light. Seek His light. Seek the light that He provides-- for it is revealing, but it is refreshing.

So, with all that being said, welcome to Seek the Light! This is a place where all hearts are welcome. I hope you find solace in my words. I promise I won't be too long-winded... I don't think. ;).